Silence is Gold

I called her, saying Happy Chinese New Year, out of an obligation as a stepdaughter despite the physical and mental abuse she did to me in the past. As expected, it didn’t end well. I hung up. I decided some time ago, not to let anyone ruin my peace of mind and positive energy with their negativity. Several years ago, I was wounded and hurt when she hurt me with her words (as always since long time ago), but now, I’m well prepared, accepting and understanding. I’ve let go the things I can’t change. Age doesn’t make her wiser. Appreciation is definitely not in her dictionary. Her vocabulary range is around the word “underestimate” and its synonyms, also “ignorance” and its friends. It doesn’t matter, though. At least I proved myself I’m nothing like her and didn’t turn into her. Now I’ve learned that at some point, silence is indeed gold. Thank you for the lesson, ma’am. Thank you for making me wiser and kinder. I hold no more grudge against you like I did when I was younger. Instead I feel pity on you, having to live the rest of your life like that.

– KC –

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First Note

Monday, January 29, 2018

I’m writing this to keep a track of my physical condition prior the heart condition and shock I had on Saturday evening, January 27, 2018.

This morning I woke up tired. My hands were stiff and there was this shooting pain in my legs. After doing some light exercise, they got better.

In the afternoon, I felt a bit dizzy and I slurred my words several times. I tried to focus more on what I was doing and it got better, but I must talk slower than I usually do to synchronize my brain and my utterance.

In the evening before going home, I walked to a mini market to buy some things. I walked unsteadily. I couldn’t walk straight and the pace and way of walking weren’t mine. It felt as if I was inside a robot, controling it for the very first time. I wobbled here and there.

When I drove home, my grips and legs were a bit weak. When I arrived home, it was hard for me to untie the grocery plastic bag but I made it in the end. I could still carry my backpack and other stuff upstairs although my grips weren’t as strong as they usually are.

I don’t know what has been happening to me. I hope all of this is just temporary. I hope tomorrow everything can be back to normal, but if it’s getting worse within the next several days, I’ll visit the doctor’s. My other hope is that if I’m about to kick the bucket, it can happen faster without me turning into a vegetable first for I don’t have anyone to take care of me. Besides, I don’t wanna be anyone’s burden.

KC

Yes, I Still Do 

We tease each other,

We steal each other’s snacks and food, 

We play “KangaWorm” and “Who’s the Boss” ’till we literally ROFL with a bad tummyache, 

We fight over a cozy spot in the hammock, 

We love riding bikes, 

We sometimes argue on the car, 

We do grocery shopping together, 

We don’t have any idea about what to have for lunch or dinner, 

You use your harsh ways to bring out the best in me which often pisses me off so much, 

Your embrace feels warm and cozy, 

Your cheeks smell like my father’s, 

You smell nice to me at any time of the day, 

You’re the source of my excruciating pain and great happiness, 

And I love you — yes, I still do. 
– KC –

Pilu

Kamu adalah sebuah nama yang terukir di hatiku

Setiap goresannya mengalirkan darah yang tak akan pernah membeku

Di lantai dingin yang basah oleh tangisku

Tergambar samar ringkihnya sosokmu

Yang terakhir kali kulihat lewat riaknya danau-danau

Yang tercipta di kedua mataku

Matamu, tanganmu, setiap gerakanmu

Terekam sempurna di dalam ingatanku

Tak cukup kuat ku tuk merengkuhmu

Begitu takut ku mendatangkan pilu dalam hidupmu

Hingga akhirnya kupanggil dia tuk menjemputmu

Kini ku bersimpuh dihadapan waktu

Memohon padanya untuk menikam jantungku

Karena hanya dengan matiku

Dapat kutebus seluruh kesalahanku

K.C.

Retak

Jiwaku mengingat sebuah nama,

Anganku terbang bersama rasa,

Kutitipkan sebuah tanya untukmu pada Semesta, “Masih ingatkah kau padaku?”

Aku masih.

Rindu…  aku rindu padamu,

Pedih hatiku mengingatmu, yang pernah bersamaku tak lebih dari seputaran waktu,

Ia mengatakan padaku bahwa waktu akan menyembuhkanku,

Ia mengatakan bahwa inilah yang terbaik untukmu dan diriku,

Tolong katakan padanya yang tak pernah mencintaimu,

Bahwa rasaku padamu tidaklah semu,

Dan

Sekuat apapun aku mencoba,

Selemah apapun ku membuat pikiranku tak lagi mengingatmu,

Akan selalu ada celah bagimu,

Untuk membawaku kembali ke masa itu,

Masa dimana kau membuatku merasa sempurna,

Masa dimana kita selalu bersama kapanpun dan dimanapun,

Masa dimana kau menyelipkan kebahagiaan tak terkira diantara retakan hatiku,

Masa dimana pada akhirnya kau mematahkan

Semua keraguan akan kemampuanku untuk mencintamu

Aku mencintaimu, aku sungguh mencintaimu

Terlalu mencintaimu hingga membuatku melawan seluruh rasaku,

Dan pada akhirnya meninggalkanmu

Pada sang penguasa waktu

Kukira zat-zat itu akan membuatku lupa untuk merasa,

Kukira jarak dan waktu akan membungkus seluruh derita

Sampai akhirnya kutahu bahwa

Rasaku padamu tak akan pernah berubah.

K.C.

A Letter to Myself

Dearest myself,

I know about your struggles in life. I know about your sleepless nights. I know how you’ve tried so hard to provide a good place for us to live, good food for us to eat and good clothes and shoes for us to wear.

I’ve seen your pain behind your smile, your tears behind your laugh, your depression behind your cheerful personality. I know you very well, more than anyone does. I’ve seen your scars, heard your silent cries, felt your broken heart, enjoyed your joy, praised your good achievements, tasted the sweet taste of your happiness…

But I know, most of the time I blame you for everything. For our mediocre life, for our lonely nights, for our complicated days, for our unspoken prayers, for the mistakes we made, for the wrong decisions we took…

I also know that mostly you just keep silent, hang your head, close your eyes and sit in the corner, exhausted. I know how many sleeping pills you’ve taken, how many caffeine caplets you’ve consumed to stay alert so you can give your best at work. I know you very well.

You’re the only person that never leaves me no matter how hard life can be. You’re the only one who helps me stand up everytime I fall. You were there when I rebuilt our life. You always push me to stand up, stand tall, be confident although I know I’m mostly not.

I’m sorry I often tell you how useless you are. I’m sorry for listening to what people and society want us to be. I’m sorry for ignoring your dreams and wishes just to be accepted by people and judged as a good person.

It’s never wrong to have dreams, it’s not selfish to want somebody or somebody’s love only for yourself. You don’t have to compete for love, you also don’t have to bury your dreams only to fulfill what other people require from you. You don’t have to pretend to like doing something when you don’t. You don’t have to pretend to like a certain life when you don’t. You’re a free soul. It’s your right to have and be the best.

Tonight, I’m telling you these: I’m sorry for every bad thing I said about you. I’m sorry for not trusting you enough. I’m sorry for thinking that you’re never gonna be good enough. The truth is you’re amazing, beautiful, strong, gentle, kind and have good principles in life. You’re going places, my dear. Tonight, I’m freeing you from every chain of negativity that I made.

Reach those dreams, love. Get that kind of love that you want and need in life, even if it’s the kind of love you want only for yourself. You deserve it, girl. Stop ignoring your dreams just to get someone’s love and be considered good. When there’s a competition, any kind of competition behind love, leave it, girl. It’s not selfishness, trust me. The truth is you’re being cruel to yourself if you force yourself to keep that love. Remember, you don’t have to compete and sacrifice your own happiness for love. And stop thinking of what others might say about you. Life is too short to think about that kind of shit (pardon my language, dear).

So, spread your wings and soar! I’m gonna be the wind beneath your wings that helps you fly higher and higher, just like one of our favorite songs: Wind Beneath My Wings. Throw away your depression and sadness, love. I’m here for you. And once more, I’m sorry for every bad thing I’ve ever done and said to you.

Much love,

Me

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